Cooking fails

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  • Not mine, but I just had a good chuckle over a random blog post I came across of someone who decided to re-create Rachel's infamous "Thanksgiving Trifle" with ground beef, sauteed peas and onions as a joke for a Friendsgiving. I'd forgotten how funny that episode was. 

  • Thank you all for this thread.  I so needed the laughs!!
  • edited February 2015
    The time I used a huge amount of baking soda in doughnuts instead of the huge amount of baking powder the recipe called for.

    The time I used mint flavoring in frosting - not peppermint, just mint - and everyone remarked on how I frosted the cake with toothpaste.

    The time mom made tuna chop suey for a Lenten friday.  The dog wouldn't eat it, and that particular dog would eat her own feces.

    Someone once told me about how her elderly uncle put popcorn in the microwave and set it for 20 minutes.

    My neighbor's wife tried to microwave the Thanksgiving turkey.
  • @Snoskred  Do you have a link for the recipe?  This sounds interesting, and I am trying to cut out gluten for the next 2 months to see how I do.  With my gluten-free pasta this may be heaven.  Does it still have the cauliflower taste?  I usually can't stand cauliflower except for roasting.  

  • Someone once told me about how her elderly uncle put popcorn in the microwave and set it for 20 minutes.

    My far from elderly at the time father did this. I will never forget that smell.

    Probably because I got hit with it every time I opened the microwave for the next seven years. Who cares if it smelled like the aftermath of an industrial fire at the candy factory and gave a lot of our food a subtle, smoked tobacco aftertaste. It still worked so we were keeping it.
  • This is a great topic!!  I love to cook, so I have had epic fails.  Cooking without my glasses and put cinnamon instead of paprika on deviled eggs (my dad ate two before he realized).
    My grandmother added instant oats with raisins and maple sugar to meatloaf when I was a kid because she couldn't find the rolled oats and my mom made us eat it (we were all off meatloaf for years)
  • I once made an angel food cake for my new boyfriend. For some reason it rose up to twice the height of the cake pan and developed an afro that burnt to a crisp. My boyfriend named it Jermaine Jackson.

    Then a couple of years ago my family and I went on a diet and one of the required meals was a cabbage soup. I don't know what I did wrong but we ate it once and farted nonstop for 3 days. It was a difficult time in my house.

  • Hstrylvr said:
    @Snoskred  Do you have a link for the recipe?  This sounds interesting, and I am trying to cut out gluten for the next 2 months to see how I do.  With my gluten-free pasta this may be heaven.  Does it still have the cauliflower taste?  I usually can't stand cauliflower except for roasting.  
    @hstrylvr - absolutely. :)


    It does have a slight cauliflower flavour however, the more strong cheese and herbs you put in, the less you would taste it. :)

    If you roasted the cauliflowers and then pureed them, well, that might be heaven right there! ;)
  • edited February 2015
    You guys are killing me!

    It's not a huge fail, but last night I wanted to make chocolate chip cookies as a treat for the sweetie (which I've made many times before). I was rushing and not paying attention, and I added 2xs the butter I needed. I didn't have enough ingredients to make a full double batch, so I thought if I just added a little more flour, it would be ok. They came out... fine. They're edible, but pretty flavorless unless you actually get a chocolate chip.
  • I'm seeing lots of recipes and
    suggestions and methods and prinkings of old family favorites on lots of
    blogs right now, and I'd just like to add one which NOBODY should try
    to cook. Trust me. Do Not Try This At Home. Or anywhere.

    You
    know how great a nice big honey/brown sugar-rubbed baked ham is? And
    how delicious smoked turkey becomes when honey butter is rubbed over it,
    and melted honey/butter is injected into the meat before smoking for
    several hours? Great ideas, right? Do NOT, on your life, try this with a
    turkey you intend to deep-fry.

    Chris is the world's greatest
    outdoor cook. He can grill anything, smoke it, pit barbecue it, deepfry
    it on all burners, but his talent fell prey to an error in judgement
    several years ago when he figured one is good and a combination will be
    even better.

    He melted
    the butter and honey, added spices and herbs, and inoculated that
    turkey like it was traveling to a third-world country. His very obvious
    thinking was: if you've hit every muscle once, and STILL have some of
    the liquid left, better use it up.

    That turkey went into that hot
    oil with a rumble not heard since Pompeii . It roiled up and almost out
    of the pot, subsiding just enough to lull him into a false security
    which lasted about ten minutes. That thing cooked FAST. The scent of
    burning cookies wafted into the house, and I opened the back door just
    in time to see a Cajun-blackened bird emerge magically from a pot which
    should have produced a golden, honey-fried one. Paul Prudhomme would
    have been PRAAAOUD.

    Great
    clumps of char littered the surface; big black pocks sank into the
    flesh all over that bird---it looked like Tim Burton’s dream of
    Thanksgiving. The wingtips, which had not been injected but were somehow
    contaminated by heat or transfer, fell into crisp ashes at the touch of
    a finger.

    As it
    started to cool just a teensy bit, the blackened drumsticks crumbled
    with little tik-tik sounds, falling like hunks of shattery coal onto the
    plate.

    At least I think that's what it sounded like. I was laughing too hard to hear it.
  • Tiff79 said:

    Then a couple of years ago my family and I went on a diet and one of the required meals was a cabbage soup. I don't know what I did wrong but we ate it once and farted nonstop for 3 days. It was a difficult time in my house.


    @Tiff79 you didn't do anything wrong - that's what cabbage soup does! As you say, it makes for a difficult time.
  • My most delicious fail was when I made my dad a key lime cake, which refused to leave the bundt pan. I sprayed the pan with Pam for baking, which had, up until that point, never failed me. Anyway, I turned that crumbled mess into a cake trifle--crumbled cake layered with whipped cream and graham cracker crumbs, and drizzled with a key lime glaze. If I ever make that recipe again, I'll probably go straight for the cake trifle.

    Today's fail made a gigantic mess of confectioner's sugar--in my kitchen, on me, on the dog... I made cupcake puppy chow. Yeah. I'll be cleaning the confectioner's sugar up for months. (Tip: if you triple the batch like I did, when it comes time to add the sugar, DO IT IN SMALL BATCHES. I wish past!me had known this.)
  • @hoopoe,  There is an icing made with granulated sugar called Gravy Icing.  I've not made it in years though.  It involved making a flour and water paste and mixing it into creamed butter and sugar and then beating it till the whole thing is light and fluffy.  It's quite good.  The recipe was in The Fanny Farmer Baking Book.

    @HotTamale,  You're not the only Bitter Kitten that's somehow forgotten to turn on the oven when roasting a turkey,  I've done it twice, the last time this past Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I did discover my mistake in time to turn that oven back on and the turkey was done about the time I thought it would be.  I think I must have turned the oven off when I was re-setting the timer one of those times I turned the turkey.

    One of my early mistakes was when my brother and I made deviled eggs for an Eastern Star covered dish supper.  I don't know how old we were, but we were kids.  We boiled the eggs, cooled them and decided to place the halved eggs on newspaper to fill.  Of course, the eggs picked up the newsprint.  They were still good though and we/our mom took them to the supper.  I don't know why we didn't use waxed paper.

  • Way back when, I didn't know that adding water to hot oil would result in a volcano eruption. Yup, learned that one the hard way. Oil everywhere. Luckily I didn't get burnt. I blame the recipe!
  • Once tried out a new recipe for a flourless Italian chocolate cake. Everything went fine until it was time to remove the cake from the cake tin. It wouldn't budge, until I had fudged with it so much that half the cake was on the plate, half was in the tin. End result: I spent the next few days eating bits of cake from the tin. It was still delicious, even if it was a raggedy mess.
  • Tiff79 said:

    Then a couple of years ago my family and I went on a diet and one of the required meals was a cabbage soup. I don't know what I did wrong but we ate it once and farted nonstop for 3 days. It was a difficult time in my house.

    I've done the cabbage soup diet!  To support a friend who was doing it, since I was staying with her.  Worst week of my life, but not for reasons of flatulence.  Maybe yours wasn't cooked enough?  Raw cruciferous veggies are dangerous that way.
  • I like making pancakes in a muffin tin, that way they're all done at the same time. Once I forgot to add the baking powder to the batter - holy crap, those were hideous. Like little hockey pucks.

    Another time I tried a Greek avgolemono soup. To this day I don't know what I did wrong, but it tasted like warm soapy dishwater with bits of egg floating it in. So nasty.

    One time, before I met him, my husband tried to make hummus. He didn't know the difference between a clove of garlic and a head of garlic, so he used two heads of garlic. He knows the difference now.
  • @Tracy_Flick I think husband cooking fails could be their own separate category!  Mine has done things such as ask me where the preheat button is on the oven, and catching lobster tails on fire when trying to bake them.
  • @Tracy_Flick I think husband cooking fails could be their own separate category!  Mine has done things such as ask me where the preheat button is on the oven, and catching lobster tails on fire when trying to bake them.
    Yes.  Once I came home late to a sauce pan with a square-shaped burn mark in the bottom, and a nonstick skillet with a red crust line on it.  My dearest had tried to make grilled cheese and tomato soup.  Bless.
  • The preheat button!!!! Ha!

    @jilly, did he put the soup in the skillet and the sandwich in the saucepan? LOL

    I suppose we should keep it light and not talk about why men aren't taught the basics of domestic survival in childhood.....
  • The preheat button!!!! Ha!

    @jilly, did he put the soup in the skillet and the sandwich in the saucepan? LOL

    I suppose we should keep it light and not talk about why men aren't taught the basics of domestic survival in childhood.....
    He did.  He really did.  But this is the same man who (credit where credit is due, he always does any chore I ask of him without complaining) when asked to vacuum the house, actually vacuumed the stairs, and was like "That was hard!" When I asked him if the extender tool was broken, he was like "What tool?"  Erm, the one with the giant hose on it? LOL.  He has other skills, luckily.
  • @Tracy_Flick My brother had to ask me the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon.  I held the two up, and asked, "Of the two, which of these do you think is the teaspoon?"  He correctly selected the smaller one, but said that "teaspoon" sounds like a tiny spoon that you would use for, say, stirring sugar into your tea.
  • I've done the cabbage soup diet!  To support a friend who was doing it, since I was staying with her.  Worst week of my life, but not for reasons of flatulence.  Maybe yours wasn't cooked enough?  Raw cruciferous veggies are dangerous that way.
    That's funny, because cooked cabbage and onions cause problems for me, but raw cabbage and onions are fine. So I now avoid cabbage soup, but eat about 1/4 of a head of cabbage most evenings.
  • Tiff79 said:

    I once made an angel food cake for my new boyfriend. For some reason it rose up to twice the height of the cake pan and developed an afro that burnt to a crisp. My boyfriend named it Jermaine Jackson.


    OMG---I'm going to pee myself---stop stop!
  • edited February 2015
    One year, I had a guest bring the pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving. She forgot to put in any of the spices. I thought that was pretty strange until the next year when I decided to do the pie myself to avoid another disaster.  I forgot to put the sugar in.  Serves me right for being smug.
  • So one of my favorite dishes to make is cheese souffle, something I started making with my dad when I was 14.  I had done several successful ones on my own by this point. Well, five years ago, when I was dating a guy and we were still trying to figure out if we wanted to be exclusive, I decided to invite him over during a Lenten Friday to impress him with my cooking skills.

    To this day, I have no earthly idea what I did wrong, though I suspect I forgot to add something - but the entire thing never rose, and stayed about an inch and a half high.  Needless to say he wasn't as impressed as I hoped he be, and ultimately a few weeks later we decided we were better off as friends, and a year and a half ago I attended his wedding. He still ribs me about it every once in a while. 
  • Y'all are killing me; I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks!

    One of my worse fails was when I made zucchini bread to impress houseguests, and it ended up a disgusting deflated floating mushy mess that would not finish baking.  You guessed it; I used cucumbers instead of zucchini! 
  • I tend to go on weird restrictive diets in January (a way to recover from two months of binging) and one year I decided to be a no-gluten vegan for a couple of weeks.  But not just any no-gluten vegan--I had to *experiment* and one of the ways I decided to do that was by making injera.  

    Injera's kind of an Ethiopian crepe made out of millet and sometimes wheat that's naturally leavened--i.e. you let it sit out and it naturally ferments and sours, bubbling away ideally as it hooks up with the wild yeast wandering about the kitchen.  

    What could possibly go wrong?  I whipped up the batter and it sat on my stove.  And sat.  I thought maybe I saw a bubble.  Or not.  Anyway, I had the bright idea of putting it outside--more wild yeast, right?  Weather was nice and warm.

    I came out a few hours later and the batter was everywhere--across the table, on the patio, with little track marks.  Turns out squirrels like millet and they're not real good at balancing on bowls.

    I should have just stuck to rice.
  • Ok, so I had a few cookie fails this past holiday, which was really upsetting because I was using my Valrhona cocoa powder and pearls, which are not cheap.  The first batch called for tapioca starch, but I didn't realize I'd ran out, so I used corn starch.  Talk about dry.  But, that didn't stop my baby niece and my tween nephew from eating them so at least.

    Now, the second cookie fail happened two days later after picking up tapioca starch.  But instead of using coconut oil, like I normally do, I tried sunflower oil.  I have no idea why, but double chocolate chip cookies made with sunflower oil taste like bacon.  In a bad way.  They spread beautifully and had a lovely sheen, but they tasted like bacon.  I had my tween nephew taste them and he agreed.  They were grossly baconish.  I didn't bother with a third try, I just made the coconut samoas for Christmas instead.  Those were delicious, as usual.

    This next one wasn't a "fail" so much as a "sabotage."  This past Saturday, I made pink lentil and millet stew with some amazing smoked paprika I found at Marshall's.  It was really really good and I'm glad I had a bowl before heading to J-town to pick up mushrooms because when I came back, I'd found that my father had put the fire back on and cooked it until the bottom burned and the top became sludge.  The yams had totally dissolved and thankfully I used red potatoes instead of white, or they would've dissolved from overcooking too.  
  • edited June 2017
    pin.it/BlistH9my first attempt at making lemon meringue pie, didn't know that when the instructions say to cook the sugar/corn starch/ water mixture until it is thick, it means really, really unbelievably thick. It tasted really good, and the crust and meringue were no problem.
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