Dear Kitteh...

Please understand that no cat has EVER died due to lack of pettins.  Singing the song of your people at 4 bloody o'clock in the morning is not appreciated and may cause a reduction in gooshy food.  

Sincerely,

Your staff
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Comments

  • I am glad you are liking the new niblet food, but please, menopausal insomnia is sort of kicking me around.
    If I do not rise at 5am to put niblets in the bowl so you can eat one mouthful, please do not summon me to do so.
  • @PastryGoddess @Hoopoe
    Watch Sad Cat Diary on You tube for the kitteh perspective.
    Sorry couldn't figure out how to do link from my mobile.

  • I don't think its very fair of you to demand "new" kibbles in your bowl just because 15 minutes have gone by since you last got "new" kibbles. I doubt that the highly expensive anti-nausea-kitteh  food is getting stale that fast.

    Sincerely, 
    your Hooman

    P.S. Just because you can see the bottom of your bowl in the middle, doesn't mean its empty. 
  • edited February 2015
    Daniel, as your devoted staff member, this particular dining regimen to require your food to always be warm and moist is awesome. I add warm water to your portion of food, mix it in, present it, youe eat 30%, then wander off, I add more warm water and mix it up you eat another portion. You always leave some behind. I know you prefer dry food. Due to recent surgery the vet really wants you eating wet food.
    You have me wrapped around your adorable paw. >°°<
    The litter box scooper in chief
    Grazi
  • Here's the Sad Cat Diary.  I do love it!

    Oh, and Sunny, thank you for waiting until 5 minutes before my alarm went off to paw at my back, meow and then purr to wake me up.  This is much better than the hour before it went off that you were doing last week.  I appreciate your patience in waiting for your morning treats.
  • We know you're hungry.  You really don't need to follow us whenever we go anywhere near the kitchen and cry piteously.  It took us 10 months to get you down from the 18 pounds you were when we adopted you to your vet-approved current weight.  We're not being mean, we just want you to live a long and healthy life.  Really.

    Your loyal servants.
  • I'm so sorry your tummy is upset. But do you HAVE TO hack up that furball on the antique oriental rug, one foot from the tile floor at frickin' 2am? And then there are the nights we didn't hear you, but get the awesome treat of stepping in our bare footsies on a cold, wet object while sleepily going to the bathroom. Thanks for waking me all the way up.

    Your devoted trash collector.


  • @Pennymac - So glad to hear that my cat isn't the only one who does the one bare spot equals starvation thing.

    Speaking of food, Dearest Jez, if you insist on racing down the stairs in the morning, you need to realize that if I trip & fall, there will be no breakfast.
  • Dearest Cleo,

    Not so long ago, you too were a kitteh in need of a good home. I took you in, I got you kick ass tower, I learned your brush of choice and preferred order of areas of attention when brushing. (ass, top of head, body, ass, left cheek, ass, right cheek, ass) 

    Now we have another sweet girl, who was on her way to a vile shelter, a place you would never know because of our open arms, and you are being a hateful bitch. Your hissing, and stalking of litter box time, is rude, and and very disappointing. She has her own box, her own food bowls, her own space in the house, in which to call her own. Would it kill you to share a patch of sunlight or even allow her to enter our bedroom? I think not.

    Grace is a virtue, and you could work on yours.

    Love, 
    Your Shamed Mother
  • edited February 2015
    Dear Chuck and Gracie,

    Yes, it is snowing. No, I do not control the weather and I cannot make it stop. I understand it is unpleasant for you to go outside and mill about in the yard and so you're stuck in here, bored to little kitteh tears. 

    But I think it's unreasonable to bother the blinds in every window, beg for food every time someone enters the kitchen (despite having two half full bowls of dry food), pull books out of shelves and knock over plants. Your frequent visits up to the kitchen counter and your constant harassment of the dog are also unacceptable. We live in Texas and it will probably be 73 and sunny tomorrow -- chill out. You can stay in for one day, and besides, we went outside and you both were shivering when I took you back in.


    -- Your Frustrated Lackey
  • edited February 2015
    My dear Water-Obsessed Cats, 

    I so enjoy your very active company as I am enjoying a leisurely bath!  But please note again these simple Rules (which we have discussed MANY TIMES):

    1.  You may lounge/play on the edge of the tub, but DO NOT jump in.  My bath is Me time.

    2.  You MAY lap daintily at the water as it is flowing from the faucet -- but please DO NOT lean over to drink the water in which I have been soaking.  I've already given up all luxurious bath-products because of you, so please at least spare me that indignity.

    AND:  This is more of a Helpful Suggestion than a Rule, because when the litterbox calls, you must answer.  But it is strongly advised that you NOT get all wet from your bathtub play FIRST, and THEN decide to scratch wildly about in the litterbox.  Because you end up looking like a cat-shaped breaded cutlet.

    Love & thanks,
    Your person (who controls the water faucets, because opposable thumbs)

  • Dear Zazzles, since I have to go to the trouble of climbing up a ladder and into the hay loft ONE HANDED as the other hand has your food, the least you could do is not bop me on the head as it appears through the hole in the floor. I am not a toy.

    Sincerly,
    Your human.
  • Dear Urchin,

    Of course you can go out, but it is raining and there is nothing I can do about that.
  • edited March 2015
    Dear Nick and Nora,

    Meowing at the rate of once every two seconds will not in any way accelerate time. Dinner time will not come any sooner as a result of these meow-ins. It will only result in driving the staff nuts, thus slowing progress further.

    Special message for Nick: plastic bags are not now, nor have they ever been considered food stuffs. Do not consume them lest you have to endure unspeakable tortures at the hands of your least favorite human, the vet!
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    DEAD. I am dead.
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird

    Pancakes out the nose... Thanks Pastry Goddess
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    Warn me next time. I spewed coffee...
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    Oh myyy.
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    BRB DEAD
  • Dear Nick and Nora, Meowing at the rate of once every two seconds will not in any way accelerate time. Dinner time will not come any sooner as a result of these meow-ins. It will only result in driving the staff nuts, thus slowing progress further. Special message for Nick: plastic bags are not now, nor have they ever been considered food stuffs. Do not consume them lest you have to endure unspeakable tortures at the hands of your least favorite human, the vet!
    Dear Nick,

    You iz not suppozed to eats to plastics.  You iz suppozed to lick gently and den chew lightly to clean teef.  Plastics bagz is also good for sitten so da mama can find you for pettins and gooshy food

    Love Gretchen
  • Chai,

    I don't yet know when your outdoor privileges will be reinstated.  You know you're only allowed forays into the backyard for a few minutes at a time.  When you pulled your evasive maneuvers while I was trying to herd you, leapt over the fence into the neighbor's yard, caused me to have to knock on their door wearing the lovely combo of pencil skirt/apron/slippers, and then pulled additional evasive maneuvers in their backyard, you lost your outdoor privileges for a while.  I know it makes you sad that Rubi still gets to play outside while you don't, but that's because she's a good girl and goes inside when she's told.  Your mournful cries and pitiful eyes do not move me.
  • Urchin,

    When you howl like the woes of the world are upon you, you *will* be picked up and cuddled. So don't pretend that wasn't your aim.
  • To Gretchen @PastryGoddess, My human hatez me. All de plastics are hiding. I gotta eat de 'spensive tooth crunchies.
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    @PastryGoddess
    I have no 'spewing/choking on food/beverage' testimonial to offer — but I did reread this TWICE to make absolutely sure you meant what I thought you meant!  And then laughed very hard. :)
  • Beloved Daniel, I was very disappointed to catch you at the end of morning brushing trying to eat the fur I had removed from your luxurious pelt (after nearly stepping on the hairball you had deposited just outside my bedroom door).

    Your devoted groomer.
  • edited March 2015
    @PastryGoddess -- I'm still getting over a cold.  I managed to not trigger a coughing fit with the laugh after reading @WinterWhite's "cat-shaped breaded cutlet comment," though it was close.  

    Yours, however, triggered a good 10-minute fit...and was totally worth it.



  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    @PastryGoddess
    I have no 'spewing/choking on food/beverage' testimonial to offer — but I did reread this TWICE to make absolutely sure you meant what I thought you meant!  And then laughed very hard. :)
    What's worse is that there is a dog who also stares.  It's very disconcerting to look up afterwards and find out there was an audience.  The 1-10 rating system is next, I'm sure of it
  • @Pastrygoddess
    6.6 from the German Shepherd judge
    I'll see myself out.
  • Dear Sassy,

    Hoomins get to have pettins too.  Stop staring.  That's weird
    You win.
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